September 10 - World Preventing Suicide Day !

I’m going to be sharing something with you guys about me that I was ashamed to tell the world.

I was depressed. I was never a happy girl. I hurt myself countless time. I was never about myself. It always about how other people look at me & what kind of people I should be so others would love me.  I felt interior all the time.

The first time happened when my past relationship went really wrong (I asked for a breakup). We had countless fights every days and nights. At the end he apologized and was begging not to leave. 

Another time happened when he asked for break up for no reason. And by the time where my finals were the next day. All things messed me up those nights. I cried countless time and felt so helpless where I can’t find anyone to talk to (I don’t have friends, I’m self-esteem). I want to go back to hostel that night, but my school was announced in a serious flood. Then I decided to give both of us sometimes to calm down. But few days later (before New Year eve) I found out there’s third party take place. The feeling really killed me in the middle of nowhere.

& That night, my family was announced in a serious financial problem and my parents were into a serious fight. I can’t longer bear with the stress and I was about to take a knife and cut myself. He called me up for times and I didn’t want to pick up the call. He knew when I said it & I mean it. He didn’t want that to happen to me. So he kept on texting me & warned me to pick up his call this time. Then when I picked up, he scolded me & we both were crying in the call, 
& he said “your family loves you, and they never want to see you like this.” Then, I realized I was so stupidly planned to commit suicide because of all the bullshit things.

The third times when I couldn’t cope with my study stress any longer. & I was so eager to score first class so that I could waive that ptptn loan into scholarship.

那时，我处于异常失落的状态。
我的专注被转移，失恋了，然后功课也一塌糊涂。

他乐于新欢，我日渐堕落，自信全失，总觉得“我凭什么？”

& that month I lost 12kg. I don’t know how this happened. But  I hate everything in the world. I’m not blaming everyone but myself…